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April 2019
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Monday, July 7, 2014

Summer Grinch

Yes, Garfield.  It is.  You're my homeboy.
First of all, if you're going to tell me I'm being a wimp, then get out of here.  I know I'm a wimp and I'm being whiny, but the sheen of sweat on my face from sitting still at my desk is too thick for your insults to hurt me.

I don't like it when it's hot.  I don't really like it when it's cold either.  So, I guess I'm a moderate kind of person.  I'd like to live in a place where it's sunny and 72 with a breeze at all times.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

On the plus side, this conversation just happened through text messages, and I choose to preserve it here for posterity.

Me:  What is the summer version of a Grinch?  That's what I am.

Friend:  Humm... Do you steal the fireworks from the fourth of July?

Me:  Yes.  And I have a pet that helps me.  A badger.  Instead of pulling a sleigh, it pulls me around on a modified jet ski.

Friend:  Oh, I have heard of the jet ski badger!  He bit someone last August.

Me:  He was cranky.  Because of the heat.

Friend:  That is not excuse for biting people.  That is just bad manners.

Me:  Well, he is a badger, what do you expect?

Friend:  A little common politeness.  Is that too much to ask from a badger?

Me:  Um... badgers gonna do what badgers gonna do.

This is the shit that makes life worth living, yo.

(Clearly I have heatstroke and have gone insane.  Send help.  And slurpees.)


  1. I call K a badger when he does things like open a bag of chips so that the bag ends up in shreds and there's no way to clip it closed. I wanted to get him this shirt for Christmas but I couldn't figure out how to get it across the Atlantic so I stole the image and painted it on an apron for him. TRUE STORY.

    1. Jesus Christ, that was cryptic of me. I guess I should sign stuff?


      your actual friend Jillian