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April 2019
I'm finding my way as a writer, and sometimes that means exploring where and how I'm sharing my writing. I started writing at Medium in March, and it's been pretty amazing so far. I'm still writing here, but am over there more often, so please come see me there or visit my main page.


Monday, May 5, 2014


It has been four and a half months since I said the words that ended those 14 years together.  It has been much longer since it was really over, though acceptance was something else.  This has been a long journey and a hard one.  Both of those are understatements of mass proportion.

How are you? People ask this question every day, and what do we say?  We are fine.  And most days, I am able to answer without hesitation that I am fine, I am okay.

And then there are days like today.  When faced with the 'How are you?'s and the 'How are you doing?'s, it becomes a conscious choice.  Do I just say I'm fine, because it's easier?  Or do I let go of this other thing inside me that is clawing to get out, so hard that holding it back feels like a physical challenge?

Days like today where the grief of losing the life I thought I would live, of losing love, of being so alone, of the loss of the person I was married to because he no longer exists... it hits me like a tidal wave, and suddenly I am drowning.  I find myself unable to hold back tears, and I hear the strangled sobs escape my throat, and I am completely shocked and blindsided by this sudden rush of all that was and is no longer.

I am standing now in a place that I never knew could be.  I am pushing through the hardest part, held upright by the love and support of many people.  But in the end it is my journey, and those hands must fall away as I move towards what will be.  In those moments where the pain is so deep and so primal that I want to rip my heart right out of my chest, I know that no one can take that from me.  No one can do anything for me, I cannot go around it, I must go straight through it, there is no other way.

And it fucking hurts.

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