Thursday, April 21, 2016

I have been in this place before

I have been in this place before.

Where self doubt rushes over me like waves.  I replay actions and conversations in my mind over and over and over, and try in vain to figure out where and how exactly I went so wrong that I deserved what I got.  I sit, staring into space and becoming more and more exhausted as I try to work it out.

I have been in this place before.

Where pain pulls at my chest like my heart being tugged into the open, and I'm raw and bare and griefstricken.

I have been in this place before.

So sure that I am a good person, that I try hard and respect the people I care about, only to have it mean exactly nothing.  So I start to think that maybe I am not the person I thought I was.

I have been in this place before.

Where I cry until I can't see or breathe, tears running down my face and neck, used tissues rising like a small mountain in front of me.  I move through my day like a ball of nerves, waiting for the next thing that will set me off and bring tears again.

I have been in this place before.

Exactly two years ago today, I lost my last job.  I stayed for a week after things changed, trying, but I think that deep in my heart it was all over that day.

Yesterday, almost two years to the day, I lost my job again.  I was at work for 10 minutes, including being let go and gathering my things while I tried in vain not to cry too much and not to make eye contact with any of my co-workers.

I was not given the chance to speak.  I was not given any chances at all, and was told it didn't matter. The last 22 months, negated, gone in a flash.

I got my things and drove to Scott's, and sobbed until I couldn't breathe, took a Xanax, and tried to catch my breath while I shook and cried in his arms, full of shock and disbelief, grief and humiliation.

I have been in this place before.

Where someone I thought knew me better... just didn't.  Where I am left wondering if I invest myself too much, or let myself believe that people care for me who actually don't.  Wondering if I am really not as smart as I thought.

I have been in this place before.

Where all I can do is obsess over how there are people out there who think I am awful and that I would do damaging things to them on purpose, and know that there is no outlet, no reason to reach out, no way to converse or try to explain because you cannot talk into closed ears, and even if they did open them, what would be the point?  I can never go back there.

I have been in this place before.

Where I feel like I just can't handle one more fucking thing happening to me.

Where I wonder if my life will ever be easy, or if I will always be struggling.

Where something happens to me and I feel like this is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me and I wonder how many more god damned worse things can happen before I catch a break.

Where I feel like a failure as I accept the fact that I cannot be on my own, not right now.

I have been in this place before.

I wasn't the same then.  I am different now.  I am stronger.  I have the same supports I did before, but have additional ones I didn't have then.  I have changed, and that is a good thing.  I know it will eventually be all right, but that doesn't stop the pain.

I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.  Like I am right back where I was two years ago, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Somewhere in my mind I know that I can move forward.  But in my heart all I can feel is that

I have been in this place before.

1 comment:

  1. You may, in fact, be in the same place in your heart. That place of hurt. That place of feeling insignificant. That place of wondering what you did wrong and how you can fix it and make things better. I admire your strength when you're in this place.

    Don't get me wrong; I admire your strength to face daily life, to raise two boys on your own, to find that amazing part of yourself that will truly shine once the pain disperses.

    Something else I admire..? Your interest in being more than an employee. Since I've known you, you've wanted more. You've striven for more. Your goals aren't simply to live your life and raise your boys while working as an employee to make someone else wealthy.

    Your entrepreneurial spirit. That's something I've seen in you since I've known you. You enjoy helping other people, and that's something that's rare in today's world. You love people, and that's why you get hurt by them. Your colleagues became close friends, that's why it hurt you on a personal level to lose your job.

    But guess what... that same entrepreneurial spirit is going to be what sees you through the hurt again. We've talked at length about online jobs, so we both know they're available, and you know you can do the occasional odd job for me for extra cash; just like last time. But also take the time to build your consulting business. Heck now that it isn't a "conflict of interest" include consulting on solar and wind energy! You could even send business to your old workplace as a gesture of good faith.

    Yeah... you've been in this place before. But let's see where you go from here! <3

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