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April 2019
I'm finding my way as a writer, and sometimes that means exploring where and how I'm sharing my writing. I started writing at Medium in March, and it's been pretty amazing so far. I'm still writing here, but am over there more often, so please come see me there or visit my main page.

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Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Passions

Like many things in life, passions ebb and flow. I have a habit of taking on a lot because I always want to say yes to ALL of my passions, and lately I've been trying to simplify. I've been working on teaching myself that I have to choose which things to concentrate on, and that letting go of things I love doing to concentrate on self care or on other things I love is okay, as long as I'm doing things that make me happy. I tend to worry that if I stop doing something I am giving up on something I shouldn't. I need to give myself permission to focus on what I want to focus on and put other things on the back burner, but for some reason this is something I struggle with.

I've been trying to reduce my commitments outside of work so that I can have a bit more freedom to write if that's what I choose to do, and to spend my tiny bit of evening free time doing whatever I feel like doing instead of having things I HAVE to get done. I stopped ghostwriting articles and blog posts for my dear friend Michele for now, and am not sure when I'll go back to that. I have been reading more and worrying less, and have been able to get back to writing here a bit more often too.

It's no secret to those who know me that writing is my biggest passion. I've been a writer since I was little, and it's something I always do in one form or another. Right now, I love blogging and I am working on a book. Another of my more recently discovered passions is natural birth.

Two and a half years ago, I flew to Texas and attended a workshop to be certified to teach Birth Boot Camp natural childbirth classes. I became passionate about natural birth during the time between having my children and the years after having Danny. I have taught several class series in Bellingham, and loved teaching and connecting with my students.

I had a class scheduled to begin in March, and ended up cancelling it because I only had two couples registered. Between babysitting, space rental, materials, and gas, I just can't afford to teach a class for only two people anymore. The only way to get more students is to keep teaching, but inside I am struggling with what I want to do. I found that this last time, as the class date approached, I wasn't looking forward to it like I have in the past. I was feeling like it was a lot of work, and that I didn't really want to do it. Saturday is my one day a week where we can stay home and do nothing if we want to, the one day a week we have complete freedom.

Here is where my contemplation comes in. I don't know how to tell if I am ready to move on from teaching, or if I just need to give myself a little bit of time. I know that partially I am pressuring myself because I spent a lot of time and money on becoming certified. I know how important this was to me, and how much I have loved being a part of the Birth Boot Camp community. If I stop doing it now, I don't know if it is realistic to think I'll eventually go back.

I can't figure out if that's okay with me. I also know that there are not enough class options, and I think that this is a really good curriculum. I worry that if I stop teaching and choose not to recertify that I am letting myself down, and letting other people down. I am pretty sure that there is a part of me that thinks people will think I am stupid for working so hard for this and then being willing to let it go, that if I stop, I'm being a quitter and totally lame. This seems pretty ridiculous when I think about it outright, but that feeling is still there inside me. I am afraid that if I let go of this I will regret it.

Being involved in the natural birth world and making a positive impact is something that I felt drawn to and called to do. Right now, I'm not feeling that. My life has been crazy and tumultuous the last few years, and it's hard to make a commitment to something I know takes so much time. When I do think about ways that I can spend what little free time I have, right now teaching is not at the top of my list. But, there's that "right now" again. I'm struggling with how to figure out whether this is something I want to let go of, and that I will be okay letting go of. At what point do I make a decision about this? I can't tell if I want to let go or not, and I'm feeling a bit frustrated about it.

It's funny, much in the same way, I have trouble letting people go. I've worked on this a lot, on the idea that it's okay to let go of relationships if they're not really adding positive value to both people's lives. I think this is just another branch of that part of my brain. I don't like letting things go, and feeling that loss, moving on. It's like... I worry that if I let things go it somehow makes me less good, and that if I let things go there will be a hole in my life, or my heart. When the reality is that my heart is overflowing, and will continue to do so.

I want to write. I have also gotten involved in a local community organization that has captured my passion and allowed me to make some really great friends. When I think of where I want to spend my time, those are the things that fill my bucket right now, that bring me joy. I love doing those things. I think that maybe part of the problem here is that I am not clairvoyant, so I can't tell where my passions will lie in six months or a year.

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