|At work a few weeks ago|
In the last year, I've gained weight again, and I currently weigh around 247. It is no secret that I am fat. How fat I look may depend on what picture you're looking at. I know what angle to hold the camera at to hide most of it. If someone else is holding the camera, it depends on my clothing, and the angle. All of the photos in this post were taken within 6 weeks of each other with no change in my weight, only in how I did my hair, who and how the camera was held.
This morning, someone messaged me on OK Cupid. Part of my profile there says the following:
I am fat and sexy. If you don't think that is possible, you should probably stop reading now and move on. I am sensitive, sensual, and physically delightful.
|Decorating at work|
Look, I am obviously fat. I know that. It has been a source of a lot of heartache. I have finally gotten to the point where this year when I'm thinking about my New Year's goals, I'm thinking about physicality and about how and why I eat instead of a number on a scale. Because it doesn't matter. I am reasonably healthy. I wear a size 22 or 24 pants, I shop in the plus size section. I have more fat on my body than a lot of people consider "normal" or "acceptable."
One of my friends relayed something in a piece of writing once about something her friend said to her. "It's just a shape some people have." It is just a shape. My shape is not skinny. I have wide hips and I have womanly thighs. I have smallish breasts, and they aren't round. I have all those things. I also have a mind that is smart. I have a sense of humor that is sarcastic, and I have a heart that is so big and lovely that sometimes it wants to jump right out of my chest. I have a capacity for love and happiness that I never knew the depths of. I have confidence. I have self-worth.
If you want to get to know me, don't tell me that I'm not fat, I'm beautiful. Do you know what you've just done there? You've told me that it is NOT POSSIBLE to be both fat AND beautiful. You have implicitly implied that the two are mutually exclusive. You're not fooling anyone. If you think I am beautiful, tell me so. If you think I am sexy, tell me so. If you like a curvy, comfy woman, tell me so. But don't tell me that I'm not fat. Talk to me like a person, and look at me and see my whole self, without thinking about my weight first off.