Tuesday, December 16, 2014

A Lifetime Behind, A Lifetime Ahead: Musings at 1 Year

Today it has been one year since the final rattling breath escaped from the corpse of my marriage.

Years of heartache, of being lost, of grief, struggle, and pain culminating in a death I never thought was possible.

We married at 23, and we were idealists.  We were committed.  We were in love, and we knew that would never change.  We said "divorce is not an option," and we meant it.

Today it has been twelve months since I told him that my feelings were not going to change.

I have been really scared and hanging on by this thread of hope for the future, but I think it is time to let it go.  I know it sucks really, really bad and I am sorry.

Today it has been 365 days since I began a journey that would require strength I didn't know I had.

Since then, I have experienced moments of hopelessness so deep I thought I couldn't take another step.  I have experienced moments of loneliness that made me feel that no one would ever understand, even if I could find the words for what I felt.

I have also experienced moments of joy so full that I felt like I was floating.  I have experienced love, in me and around me, that amazed everything inside me.

Today it has been 525,600 minutes since I became a statistic.

After a year, my little family of three is finally settling a bit.  We have our own place, we have routines.  Some days it still seems very unreal as I get them ready, drop them off where they need to go, and go to work.

Today it has been 31,536,000 seconds since I spoke out loud that it was time to let go.

It was time.  And now, I look in the mirror and I see myself, and I like myself.  Through the pain and the anger and the fear and the sadness, I have found myself.

Today.  Today I have a lifetime behind me, and a lifetime ahead of me.

I am a different person.  I thought I knew where I was going before.  Now, I am not sure where I am going, but that is okay, because I know that it will be good.

1 comment:

  1. Divorce shatters us into a million tiny pieces. When we muster all of our strength and put ourselves back together we are formed into a whole new being. You've done well. You and your sons are better off. I believe the worst is behind you. I'm so proud of you. I love you more than everything.

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