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April 2019
I'm finding my way as a writer, and sometimes that means exploring where and how I'm sharing my writing. I started writing at Medium in March, and it's been pretty amazing so far. I'm still writing here, but am over there more often, so please come see me there or visit my main page.

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Monday, July 7, 2014

Summer Grinch

Yes, Garfield.  It is.  You're my homeboy.
First of all, if you're going to tell me I'm being a wimp, then get out of here.  I know I'm a wimp and I'm being whiny, but the sheen of sweat on my face from sitting still at my desk is too thick for your insults to hurt me.

I don't like it when it's hot.  I don't really like it when it's cold either.  So, I guess I'm a moderate kind of person.  I'd like to live in a place where it's sunny and 72 with a breeze at all times.  IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

On the plus side, this conversation just happened through text messages, and I choose to preserve it here for posterity.

Me:  What is the summer version of a Grinch?  That's what I am.

Friend:  Humm... Do you steal the fireworks from the fourth of July?

Me:  Yes.  And I have a pet that helps me.  A badger.  Instead of pulling a sleigh, it pulls me around on a modified jet ski.

Friend:  Oh, I have heard of the jet ski badger!  He bit someone last August.

Me:  He was cranky.  Because of the heat.

Friend:  That is not excuse for biting people.  That is just bad manners.

Me:  Well, he is a badger, what do you expect?

Friend:  A little common politeness.  Is that too much to ask from a badger?

Me:  Um... badgers gonna do what badgers gonna do.

This is the shit that makes life worth living, yo.

(Clearly I have heatstroke and have gone insane.  Send help.  And slurpees.)

2 comments:

  1. I call K a badger when he does things like open a bag of chips so that the bag ends up in shreds and there's no way to clip it closed. I wanted to get him this shirt for Christmas but I couldn't figure out how to get it across the Atlantic so I stole the image and painted it on an apron for him. TRUE STORY. http://www.moretvicar.com/collection/the-daily-mash-1/product/the-daily-mash-bring-it-mens-t-shirt

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jesus Christ, that was cryptic of me. I guess I should sign stuff?

      signed,

      your actual friend Jillian

      Delete