Monday, June 23, 2014

Everything's Coming Up Rachael

http://www.instagram.com/rachaelhope
I think this is what it feels like. To be happy. It has been so long that I'd forgotten. Contentment. Satisfaction. Pleasure. Happiness. To walk around without worrying all day long. To go about my days without some huge weight pressing down on my shoulders. To feel a little bit giddy about life.

So, I got a job. An amazing job as Office Manager at Western Solar. I am so excited about being involved in this company, this industry. I started last Tuesday and spent the week training. Having your head stuffed full of new information every day is exhausting, but by Friday afternoon I was able to answer the phone and give a potential customer legit answers to the questions they were asking.

For the past week, I've walked around feeling like I was floating. I kept waiting to feel my feet touch the ground again, for this warm, heady, afterglow to dissipate and leave me feeling normal again. I think it's possible this IS normal though. That I'm not actually floating, I'm just not carrying around all the things that were holding me down and I've finally climbed out of the mud that made every step so hard.

I cried this afternoon because I realized that I was missing out for so long. You know sometimes when you think you're at least kind of happy, but then you get to where you are ACTUALLY happy and you realize all that time how not actually happy you were? That's my not very eloquent way of saying that I realized this afternoon that I haven't been happy in a very, very long time. In fact, while there are things in my life that have made me happy - friends, my little boys, family - I haven't been genuinely all-around happy as a person since... I can't remember when. I have no idea. Maybe never in my adult life. Certainly not in the last 5 or 6 years.

My level of confidence is astounding. Seriously, I have never felt so self assured in my entire life. It's a foreign sensation to me, and I can't help savoring every moment of it. I guess when there has been a big weight on you for years, dragging you down, and it is suddenly lifted... everything changes. I spend time with people and I find myself just smiling and laughing. Why? Because, there just isn't any reason not to. They ask me, "what?," wanting to know why I am giggling, and I say "nothing." Because it's true - nothing. And everything. I have brought people into my life recently who make me genuinely happy. Friends who I can share my life with, and people who make me feel good because they just like me, as a human being.

God, it seems so ridiculous how good that feels to me. To be able to tell someone enjoys spending time with me just because of who I am. I can't believe I spent so much time with someone who made me feel like who I am was not okay, and prevented me from even knowing fully who I was. I told someone recently that I feel like I have never been who I really am. I feel so much like I know myself now, I know who I am and I love her. Because she is worth loving.

No, this wasn't an easy place to get to. I have worked hard for this, and I feel like maybe it's finally okay to believe it. That maybe this life I've been so desperate for for so long is really going to happen. I never want to count my eggs before they're hatched. I don't want to get too excited and believe. But here I am.

I have a good job, one where I already feel like I'm part of a team, and part of something good. It pays enough for me to be fairly comfortable and has good benefits. The kids and I will be able to get our own place before school starts in the fall. The final information has been submitted to my lawyer so our divorce papers should be filed any day now, which will be a relief. I'll be able to get a new-to-me car and get rid of this one that's turned into a money pit. I have a couple of men I'm seeing that make me incredibly happy (more on that soon...) with no expectations, just time to connect with each other on a human level. Sure, there are bumps in the road. It's hard dealing with E sometimes. Sam's encopresis is still an issue, but we have a plan to try and deal with it this summer. After all of this, I don't feel like there is anything I couldn't handle.

So, I look around me, and I have to let myself believe. This is it. Finally.

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