Monday, May 5, 2014
How are you? People ask this question every day, and what do we say? We are fine. And most days, I am able to answer without hesitation that I am fine, I am okay.
And then there are days like today. When faced with the 'How are you?'s and the 'How are you doing?'s, it becomes a conscious choice. Do I just say I'm fine, because it's easier? Or do I let go of this other thing inside me that is clawing to get out, so hard that holding it back feels like a physical challenge?
Days like today where the grief of losing the life I thought I would live, of losing love, of being so alone, of the loss of the person I was married to because he no longer exists... it hits me like a tidal wave, and suddenly I am drowning. I find myself unable to hold back tears, and I hear the strangled sobs escape my throat, and I am completely shocked and blindsided by this sudden rush of all that was and is no longer.
I am standing now in a place that I never knew could be. I am pushing through the hardest part, held upright by the love and support of many people. But in the end it is my journey, and those hands must fall away as I move towards what will be. In those moments where the pain is so deep and so primal that I want to rip my heart right out of my chest, I know that no one can take that from me. No one can do anything for me, I cannot go around it, I must go straight through it, there is no other way.
And it fucking hurts.