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April 2019
I'm finding my way as a writer, and sometimes that means exploring where and how I'm sharing my writing. I started writing at Medium in March, and it's been pretty amazing so far. I'm still writing here, but am over there more often, so please come see me there or visit my main page.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014


It's a funny thing, grieving for someone who is not dead, but most certainly gone.

I met my soon-to-be-ex husband when we were only 19 years old, and we were together for 14 years.  For much of that time, I considered him my best friend.

I have always been a person who hated losing friends.  I still think about the best friend I made my way through middle school with who inexplicably dumped me the summer before 9th grade, and who I have barely spoken to since.  I still think about the people I worked with at previous jobs and get a twinge remembering the good times we had together.

I guess this grief has been a long time coming.  It's been nearly five months since the revelation where it was revealed to me that my husband identified as female.  I have gone through stages, for sure.  Disbelief & Doubt (Denial).  Shock & Anger.  One doesn't always end before the next begins.  It is not a straight path, it is winding and overlapping, and sometimes surprising.

I have reached a new place in this journey though, with the arrival of depression.  That seems like such a strong word for something that comes and goes, it is not so pervasive as some depressions I have experienced.  I read this today:
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. source
I sat on a park bench for probably 45 minutes this morning, staring out into the gray windy cold of the Bay and trying to figure out my loss.  I cried tears that came from this deep place within me that is so primal sometimes it startles me.  In the past two days I have come to realize that the person I married is gone.  Forever.  With his transition to living as her, with a legal name change and gender change, with the addition of female hormones and the annihilation of  testosterone, the man I married almost 11 years ago has vanished.

I cannot find the words for what this is.  I look around me some days, disbelieving that the life I am living is really happening, that this is the path I'm on, this is where I stand.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Rachel. My heart is breaking for you. I have no words. Except to say that you are strong, and that you will get through this.

    Hugs to you.